— Which is better out on the trail? —

By Joe Kosch

My daughter Allison and I have a friendly debate going about whether Kawasaki Mules or “biological mules,” as she calls them, are better. The answer is clear—Kawasaki Mules rule, but Allison disagrees. I continue listening to her side for a number of reasons: I’ve always been foolishly gracious with her, and there’s no end in sight. I find the idea that biological mules could compare to the motorized Mules funny. Allison has a degree in animal science, and she has been leading mule teams into remote areas near Yosemite National Park for years, so I have considered there is a chance she knows more about meat mules than me.

To keep things as fair as possible, I thought I’d open the discussion up to an impartial group, UTV Action’s readers. If you have any thoughts on the matter, like how many millions of times better four-wheel Mules are than the four-legged kind, feel free to e-mail me at [email protected]. Here, then, for your consideration are some of our texts on this hotly contested subject.

Allison: Me and my string of real mules negotiate terrain that Kawasaki Mules probably couldn’t handle, all while producing natural fertilizer.

Me: Real mules jackhammer the trail to bits with their bony hooves, while Kawasaki Mules caress Mother Earth with soft, low-pressure rubber tires.

Allison: This is what my mule, who operates fine under water, has to say about that.

Me: Really intelligent response. Meanwhile, the Kawasaki Mule has a brilliant computer brain.

Allison: The fire department had to inspect the sprinkler lines in the barns today, and a fireman pointed his $4000 thermal gun at my mule. That radiant light is heat coming off the mule’s soul, which a “Metal” Mule does not have.

Me: The heat gun must have been switched to “rebellion detector” mode, exposing the mule’s burning desire to defy humans. Metal Mules don’t show up on the detector because they willingly obey humans’ commands. Also, Metal Mules don’t need to be sprinkled in their garages like meat mules, draining Gaia of her precious moisture.

Allison: LOL.

Allison: I just put out a small fire in Echo Valley using three arrowhead containers and an empty gallon jug of Kikkoman soy sauce.

Me: Well done, but imagine how quickly a UTV with the same liquid in a sprayer could have knocked down that fire.

Allison: All of my mules come stock with built-in liquid sprayers.

Me: Which is negated by the flammable fuels they deposit on the forest floor and explosive bursts of flammable gases.

Allison: W/e…

Allison: Yesterday my nimble mules and I summited the non-UTV-accessible Vogelsang Pass like cake.

Me: The Vogelsang Pass is probably non-UTV-accessible because of anti-UTV prejudice.

Me: Kawasaki just introduced the all-new 2019 Mule Pro-MX. Looks like biological mules are going with the same old model again for 2019.

Allison: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Me: Motorized Mules never disrespect Gaia by tearing her tender-living baby plants from the soil for fuel. Kawasaki Mules only sip juices from long-dead, decomposed dinosaurs.

Allison: >_>

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